J. Michael Krivyanski

People who've entered the realm of parenthood often develop an overwhelming desire to make their child happy at any cost. In pursuit of seeing that special look of joy on their child's face many parents are willing to climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest ocean or even invite their child's friends over for a birthday party.

During a child's early years birthday parties are very popular social events that exist mainly for the parents of the child's friends. Parents bring their children to these infant parties, watch them spill things, fill their diapers and be very uninterested in anything going on around them except the dog's food dish or the cat's litter box.

When children enter the next birthday phase they've shed their diapers and unlocked the deep mysteries of bathroom usage. This is the time when parents drop their children off at the birthday child's home. Driving away with smug expressions these parents may burst into uncontrollable laughter. They probably just had their child's birthday party a few weeks earlier and know exactly what experiences await the host parents.

I tried to prepare for my daughter's birthday party like we were expecting an invasion force from a foreign army.

ISBN #0595335802

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"Face paints.
"Check.
"Sidewalk chalk.
"Check.
"Pin the Tail on the Donkey game.
"Check.
"What would we need with an escape helicopter?
"I don't want to take any chances.

On B-Day the first wave of little girls arrived in our driveway at the agreed upon time. They first encountered face paints, lawn games and sidewalk chalk. At that time my wife and I were doing a pretty good job at containing the children's attention span to the things we'd planned. When the next wave of little girls hit our driveway they attacked the lawn games and face paints while the first group began to get a little bored.

That's when things started to look bad for our side.

Bored little children don't just sit around and wait for something to happen. These industrious individuals take it upon themselves to find some sort of entertainment whether it's allowed or not. They will pick flowers from your garden that should not be picked, turn on your lawn hose when it's not supposed to be turned on and if all else fails they will fight with each other.

"Don't call me stupid.
"Okay you're not stupid. You're ugly.
"I hate you.
"Oh yeah, well I hate you worse.
"I want to go home.
"Me too.
"Waaaah.
"Waaaah.

At those moments I did what any self-respecting father would have done, I asked my wife what to do next.

"It looks like we're being overwhelmed. Should we retreat to the back yard and call in the rescue chopper?
"No, just get a book and I'll read to them.
"Shouldn't we call in the children's entertainment SWAT team or something?
"No, just get a book.
"You're just going to read a book to the children?
"Only after I hit you with it.

During B-Day my wife and I seemed to have two distinctly different roles. My wife was the chief negotiator during the event. She handled all arguments between the children with the skill of a UN ambassador. She also organized the games, fixed the refreshments and decorated the house. My role required that I ask my wife what to do next and give the children precise directions to the bathroom. We were an unbeatable team.

Our daughter was the perfect hostess. She carefully stacked all the presents her friends brought her in one area and informed us every five minutes that she was ready to open them.

"Is it time to open them yet?
"Sweetheart your friends have only been here ten minutes.
"How about we open them in five more minutes.
"We've got a lot of things to do first.
"Six more minutes.
"How about you let me show you where the bathroom is?
"Are there any more presents in there for me?

We gave the children everything we had at the birthday party. There were games, cake and ice cream, present openings, more games, refreshments, unexpected games and little kids running everywhere.

By the end of the day our house looked like it had been hit by Hurricane Little Kid Birthday Party. My wife and I were exhausted. When the parent's started to arrive we treated them like liberating heroes.

"You have no idea how happy we are to see you.?
"Quit kissing my hand.?

The results from polling the birthday party participants was positive. They couldn't wait for our daughter's birthday party next year, so they could tear up our yard, argue and ruin our flowers once again. I suppose we should be glad we're able to give them something to look forward to.

The celebration of my daughter's birthday is more than just a party for us. It is a time when we remember that special moment several years ago when we were blessed with a child. An event that has forever changed our lives. A milestone worthy of all the happy celebration we give it. The day when my wife and I changed from being just a couple into being a family of our very own.

THE LEGEND OF MOM
Sample chapter from "Wives, Mothers and Other Wonder Womenâ€?

As the lives of family members slowly descend into chaos they cry out in desperation for a solution to their quandary. On the horizon appears a magnificent person having a little baby in one arm and holding a spit rag with the other. With tussled hair and sleepy eyes she descends the steps to where the family is eating breakfast. She's more powerful than a dirty litter box, able to make dinner while doing the laundry and making a grocery list. Could this be a superhero come to save the day? Does this person possess superhuman abilities? Is this a being from another planet sent to save the human race? It may seem so at times but she's actually just your average mother.

By day she has a demanding job where she performs her tasks flawlessly or close enough that nobody really notices. By night she turns into the multifaceted person known and respected as Mom.

As she innocently arrives at her home Mom is cleverly disguised as a regular lady returning from work. After changing into her "mom at home" attire of loose pants and a T-shirt her super sensitive Mom hearing detects a child sobbing in the kitchen. With lightening speed she heads toward the sound of the crying. When she arrives at the scene it appears that her precious little son has fallen and spilled his snack on the kitchen floor. Using her special powers of consoling combined with a Mom hug and kisses the child's feelings are saved. After the child is given another snack he goes into the next room and happily watches television. Mom prepares for any other crisis that may be about to occur within their home.

In a split second her teenage daughter walks into their home and is very upset about something. Whatever the ordeal was it has caused her daughter to be in the type of bad mood that parents of teenagers don't even like to talk about. Mom decides to use her calming words to discover what's wrong with her daughter.

" Honey is there something upsetting you? Don't forget you can always talk to me."

The daughter sighs, slams down her backpack and appears to be on the verge of tears.

" Jenny in science wore a top almost exactly like mine and I was so embarrassed I like almost lost it. Our science teacher Mr. Jenkins is such a loser. He gave us back our test and wrote on mine that if I studied as much as I talked I'd get the best grades in the class. Can you believe he did that? Anyway, guys are such jerks. Tommy doesn't like my friend Laurie he likes Janet. Janet can't stand Tommy but likes Eddie. Eddie doesn't like Janet but likes Laurie. Tommy's friend Bob said to his brother who told his sister who told my friend Sally who told me Bob actually has a crush on me. Too bad Bob is such a big loser but he is a little on the cute side. I hate my hair, my clothes are awful and a big pimple seems to be growing on my face. It seems like my life is just one huge disaster."

With a dramatic sigh the daughter leaves for her bedroom and disappears. Mom uses her well developed powers of understanding and decides to wait a few minutes before talking with her daughter about all the drama of her teenage life.

Using her advanced mother senses she becomes aware that her family is in dire need of nourishment. Calling upon her lightening quick cooking skills Mom gets into action. With speed and precision she opens cans and microwaves food as she prepares a meal that will prevent her family from experiencing hunger or be late for any of their evening activities.

As the evening hours slowly take a grip on the day another cry for help goes out within the home. It appears that some evil force in the universe has caused mom's husband to have amnesia. He is unable to locate the equipment for his softball league and is in serious danger of being late. In a split second Mom arrives on the scene and assists her husband with this terrible dilemma. She opens closet doors, looks under beds and searches the basement and garage in her quest to keep this innocent husband on time for his softball league. Mom's aggravation reaches a high level and she gives her husband an expression that acts as an eye piercing "remembering ray" and it does the trick. He suddenly realizes the equipment is actually in his car. It seems he put them in there yesterday so he wouldn't forget to do it tonight. When he leaves Mom uses her superhuman powers of self-control to keep from using the softball equipment on her husband.

As the sun slowly sets bringing the day to an end Mom gives her young son a bath and then puts him to bed. She is the preferred one for bedtime activities as Mom has proven to be a bath-giving and story-telling champion. Once this task is complete Mom then turns into "Super Homework Lady" as she helps her daughter with schoolwork. Once this problem is solved she uses her special powers of advice to help her daughter deal with the many social pressures of the teenage world. With a few careful preparations for her next day of work and home our heroine retires for some well-deserved rest.

Families around the world are able to rest secure in the knowledge that every mishap that occurs during family life is of no worry to them. They have the mighty force of Mom for protection. It may be a myth, it may be a legend but the impact of a mother on her family is immeasurable.

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